LOVE HAPPENED TO ME ONCE.

2017. 

It’s been 26 years i am alive. Whoa. So much has changed, so many things have happened in my life. Looking back is so good already. 

Present day, i am this experienced little guy who grew up so fast and became old. This is how i feel of me sometimes. I am confident of myself, I love my body. I want to be alone and take care of things. I know what I am doing. In midst of all this, I have become so practical that the word love among homosexuals sounds so clichéd. I believe that a man loving a man is just not true. It’s just a fake licence to have sex. In my case, if I have sex with a guy and I enjoy it, then I start getting attracted to that person and later on delve into his other traits. Till then, I am good with sex. And trust me, a friendship after sex lasts for longer than all this ‘getting to know each other before sex’ bullshit. I do cross check enough the details needed to have sex with him. But gay partners, gay relationships etc doesn’t make much sense in a homophobic country. Let alone laws, you won’t even have a surety of the relationship you are in.

So a guy like me, who spits so much hatred, also had a love story long long back. It was a heavy drama which happened at an inappropriate age for me. For a teen like me, so much heartbreak was too much.

I had my first sex when I was 10year old. So by the age of 18, I had enough experience in sex with my neighbour, my high school roommates, my senior, my teacher. I also met this photographer in a bus stop who clicked some of my portraits and encouraged me to use the highly infamous guys4men website. I was this fresh kid in the Bangalore circle of G4M whom everyone wanted to have a taste of [a bit too exaggeration I know, but at that age I was feeling exactly this way].  I was happy and enjoying the moment.

And then shit happened. I had just joined my 11^th Std. Being from a suburban/rural upbringing; joining one of the top ranked colleges was the first step into my new life. I started getting to know things, I started understanding things. I got to know that life is not just limited to the perimeter of the surrounding I live in. so I got more curious day by day and let myself experience everything. I didn’t tell myself not to go overboard nor did anyone. Because I never let anyone so much as control me. Or maybe, whatever happened to me was planned for my wellbeing, but I didn’t utilise it in a correct way. [FYI I’m not complaining nor am I guilty of what life has made me today].

So, from G4M, I got this guy of my age who was studying in the college which was opposite to mine. It was convenient for us to meet in a park every day and chat. So this was the classy kind of sex- meet the guy before sex. One date after another, it went on for just 1week. Then this guy tells me that he is head over heels in love with me. Mind you, both of us are of same age: teenage. So obviously it was an infatuation for him as much as it was for me. Like a fool, I also started having feelings for him.

We were that love birds now. Hanging around in malls, dropping home after college, bringing breakfast, long hours on phone, giving silly gifts [chocolates and tshirts were a luxury that time]. We did all this and so much. I never thought love is so good. He cared for me, he wanted a partner. I had that someone whom I owned. Life was so good just before I started living it. I wanted to do many things without any regret. I wanted no one to control me. I wanted all the freedom I can get. That was me before I met this guy. But I sacrificed a lot for him. I quit meeting guys for one. That’s all I had to do. Because then, I didn’t have much to lose. I was just starting to know this homosexuality. So it was not much of a price to lose for that person whom I loved.

But shit has to happen.

Sometimes, your past stalks you and kills your future. That’s what happened. As I said, I was pretty famous in G4M and Orkut before meeting this person. I had befriended a famous guy of a famous mohalla.lets call him dick. He was this uber cool queen who wanted to have every guy he eyes. I liked his way of living, his attitude and his mentality. So I started hanging around with him. He was what would call a “4am friend” nowadays. I used to share everything with him.

Back in those days, facebook didn’t exist. But orkut did. It was a superhit among teenagers then. People used to stalk others online even before facebook entered. Nothing was private and people loved to air their dirty laundry online. I was one such guy. i thought no one would doubt my relationship with this person and posted a pic of me and him on orkut. Just like I thought, no one noticed. But dick made sure to notice the guy and check with me about him. I, being a silly teenager, omitted out everything about him. Right from where we met, how we met, what we did etc.

Dick is 2years elder to me. He was in the G4M website and the gay world earlier than me. So he knew the nuances of dating a guy pretty better than me. So he popped another question. Why was I still in G4M when I already am in a relationship? I said I am confident I won’t have sex with any guy and just chat with them online. This didn’t calm the jealous dick. He wanted to make use of this and spoil the little thing I had with my guy.

So he tracked my guy on orkut and befriended him. He showed him the proof that I am still on G4M. This enraged the silly teenager my guy was. He thought I am not being loyal to him.

To teach me a lesson, dick and my guy devise a plan. My guy told me a day before night that he won’t be coming to college tomorrow as he is going to his native. The same night, dick calls me and tells me that he is meeting my guy for sex tomorrow and he would prove it if I call him at 11am tomorrow. I call him next day at 11am and my guy picks up the call. I was shocked and angry at the same time. I didn’t understand then. After few days, my guy called me and said that he got to know about my G4M profile still being active and that pissed him off.

What happens after a break up? You start your depression phase. I did sulk and cry and plead to no avail. This guy was a major change in my life at that age and it suddenly vanished. I was clueless for next few days and had tough time getting myself back to reality. But eventually, it grew over me.

Looking back at this phase of my life, I feel that it was all just a child’s play. It was a pure infatuation. It wasn’t love. But no one told the silly teenager that it was not real. I was in that world where everything was good. I felt that the love was real. I felt that the break-up that came with it was also real. So no. it wasn’t just an infatuation for me. It was all the lesson I wanted to grow up and get to where I am right now. So my dear friends who are reading this, I know that love isn’t real. But if you really think that love is real, then I would support you to the moon and back for it.

I can’t get into a relationship and left heartbroken. I am a person who feels that every gay relationship has a bad end. So I try tagging my feelings as ‘friendship and beyond’ just not to lose some more for this giant gay epidemic called LOVE.

Present day again, I feel like I have experienced much more in life at a very short time. I experienced love at 18, had my breakup at18, met so many guys, did so many things when I was a teenage without even thinking about tomorrow. And I wasn’t apologetic or guilty for all the things I did because I enjoyed everything I did. So why crib now.

What I am right now, is what my past made me. I am still that silly guy who wants to be cared. But then, it takes a long time to accept your care. So why waste so much time rather than just enjoy the moment. Love happens. But the moment will fly away.

For those love birds in the air, fly high. Enjoy your life. But don’t forget your ground. Don’t forget yourself.

For those who r single, don’t worry. You have so much to enjoy by yourself. Porn for instance. :P just kidding. You will find it eventually. If not, then love yourself. That’s more rewarding.

probably, the least cheesy story of my blog. let me know what you guys think.